Friday, July 3, 2009

Horsed Mansion!

Well it is 7:11pm here, and I am having a little siesta after the soul-crushing return journey from our "gezi," or small trip, that we took after class with our TA. Class went well today. The same cat returned to the classroom via a different window. Again, I was largely ignored. But this time, it jumped onto Shiho's lap and it was the cutest goddamn thing ever. Kawai neko! Sebahat Hanım was our teacher for all our classes today, since our writing teacher was at the graduation ceremony with her students. She brought us some sigara böreği, which is a type of Turkish pastry stuffed with spinach and cheese. It is IDENTICAL to spanikopita, which the Turks call börek, these ones are sigara because they are shaped like cigarettes. So there you have it. 

Our class went down the Murder Hill through the back of campus, and bussed it to the Sabancı Museum, which is an art museum housed in the grounds of the old Sabancı family mansion, which the English translation of the sign inside says is called "The Horsed Mansion." The Sabancı family, along with the Koç family, basically own everything in Turkey. Both families have universities with their name, and are the kind of holding groups you find in Japan and Korea too. Self-made industrialists who then turn into the machine they struggled to beat in the first place. Anyway, they have more money than God, and a lot of it went toward endowing this great museum and amassing a huge collection of Islamic calligraphy. The exhibits we saw were of late Ottoman and early Turkish Impressionist art (they kind of jumped on that wagon a bit late, and were still making it into the late 1960s). Some of it was fantastic, much of it was mediocre, but significant for introducing the medium to the country. The next exhibit was of landscapes and portraits from Lisbon, Portugal. The point, I gather, was to demonstrate that Istanbul and Lisbon have a lot in common, in terms of geography and the historical role they played as points of cultural exchange. Mission not accomplished. I will look into it, though. 

The guards at the museum must have been really bored or really afraid of losing their jobs, because they were SUPER attentive. Shop attendants here will follow you around while you look at clothes, but these fuckers were tailing me as I looked at fine art. What did they expect, that I had come to Turkey, red beard and all, to steal one of the mediocre paintings on display? Interestingly enough, I could have. The power in the museum flickered and then cut out entirely about 3 times while we were there. We're talking perfect conditions for someone to grab a painting off the wall and run for it. At one point, I was sitting on a bench, pondering this awesome modern Portuguese rug mural with a friend, and I said "watch the guard while I stand up." I got up off the bench, and the guard spun around so fast I'm surprised he didn't fall down. 

PS: one of the Portuguese portraits of a woman in a green dress looked so much like Michael Jackson it was terrifying.

Outside, I saw and heard a Turkish couple above me in the museum cafe pointing me out and chuckling. I think next time I will turn around and shoot daggers at them with my eyes. Or throw knives with my hands.

I decided to walk back with Shiho and Megan along the water, past the Rümeli Hisarı (Mehmet the Conqueror's Castle) and got some tea/Cola at a small spot on the way. One man's shirt read "NOTHING REALLY MATTERS." Another woman's said "MY NAME IS HEART." I want one that says "YOUR SHIRT SUCKS." After the tea, we braved the narrow/non-existent/car-covered sidewalks and then ascended the Murder Hill the back way, through campus. Fuck that hill. Oh my God. It is awful. They might as well just have a rope ladder instead of steps. It's basically the Winding Stair from Tolkien. I did a little research, and discovered that its real name is actually Şehitlik Tepesi, or MARTYRDOM HILL. Of course. Along the way, and probably only because we were on that hill, I managed to finally get a Japanese person teach me a bad word. "Kuso!" It means "shit" in English, and is said only by men. So now I have to say that every time I see Shiho. 

I just wolfed down some more börek and need to take a goddamn shower. The Turks have a phrase to describe how you look after something like what I just did. Sucuk gibi ıslandım. I got as wet as a sausage. I honestly don't know what that means. I think it means "I was drenched with sweat." I hope.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

You Certainly Look Turkish...

It's Thursday (or was...I AM IN THE FUTURE), which means it is academic talk day. After lunch at the cheap cafeteria we headed to listen to a talk by a sociology professor (I think) about rural-to-urban migration in Turkey. It was fascinating. The guy studied in America, at OSU, and joked with me about riverboat gambling when I told him I was from Cincinnati. According to this guy, and other sources, as much as one third of Turkey's population, at its founding in 1923, consisted of recent migrants. In the past 40 years, the population of Turkey has doubled. And the last fun fact I will leave you with is that in the gecekondu communities, sort of shanty-like areas that aren't necessarily slums, the reason people built so many mosques was so that the police wouldn't burn down their houses to kick them off the land out of fears of damaging the mosques. This explains why I hear like 30 different calls to prayer at a time. This entire neighborhood used to be full of gecekondular, which literally means "built in the night," as in "this house was built in one night." The roads we have here are basically just paved cart and old taxi and bus paths, which explains their completely useless arrangement. 

I came home afterwards and the roommate who has Skype drama with his girlfriend warned me that the cheap cafeteria basically sent him to the bathroom for the entire day and night yesterday. So I have been warned. But it is hard to pass up a $1.50 four course meal when so much of your net worth goes toward being fly.

Michael's laptop, 4 months old and running Vista Home Edition, decided to get the Black Screen of Death, so we spent a while trying to fix it. It fixed itself eventually. So to celebrate, we went to the Urfam Ocakbaşı restaurant near campus. Leaving the dorm, we noticed a swarm of graduating seniors in caps and gowns clogging the gate. I have to say, this graduating class is probably the hottest in the world, and also among the wealthiest. I should have brought my business cards with me. When we got to the restaurant, the dudes there gave us a bunch of free food (in Turkish, ikram etmek means to make an offering, as in a gift), including some lentil köfte, spiced bread, and dipping salad for our pide. We left well fed and all for a meager $5 per person. On the walk back, I got some more of the raspberry cheesecake flavored Oreo-style cookies I fell in love with last night. Thirty-five US cents per sleeve. Amazing. I should have gotten a disposable razor, too, but I am an idiot.

We ran into one of Michael's classmates as we passed by the graduation ceremony, and so I sat on the wall separating the soccer field/track from the main road near campus. Two barbed wire fences also stood between us and the graduates. A crowd had gathered outside, alongside us. One guy handed each of us a pamphlet from the Turkish government's study abroad program, encouraging us to study overseas. I handed mine back to him and told him we already were. He laughed. EVERYBODY LAUGHED. 

A moment later, two very attractive Turkish women approached me and asked me how to get into the event. There were definitely 20 much more highly qualified people standing near me. Why the hell do Turks insist on asking the most American looking guy around how to get places? I had fucking cheesecake flavored cookies in my hand and was speaking English! I told them where to go, but still. Last night, this car rolled up next to me asking where the Boğaziçi Pastry Shop was. It was literally 20 feet behind him, clearly marked. It's like they go out of their way to talk to me. Or maybe the people who ask me are just genuinely stupid, and a) don't know how to get into clearly marked areas, and b) don't realize asking a foreigner for directions in your city probably isn't the best idea. Regardless, it's hilariously frustrating. One of these days I might just call them out on it. 

Our dorm was decked out for graduation with a Turkish flag the size of a tractor trailer. Classy. It spruces up the building quite nicely.

It's looking like a no-go for the Fourth of July party at the consulate, since I apparently HAVE to go on the trip to Edirne on Saturday. I emailed the Marine who invited us and told him I'd still love to come to their Friday pizza and beer night sometime. We'll see. I think they like meeting new Americans. It's probably a really lonely existence being on consular security detail. 

I am exhausted, and have nothing else to report at this point, apart from the fact that I saw a cat halfway up the side of a palm tree today, hanging there. Also it is hot. And I uploaded more pictures to Flickr.

Goodnight!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Weekday

Today, like yesterday, as you all know, is a weekday. Now that I am getting into the groove here, weekdays will likely be largely uneventful. This means you won't have to suffer through long, boring, plot driven posts, and instead get to suffer through my non-linear thought process.

I am running out of clean clothes. Please send socks and underwear. I don't trust the laundry woman here. Not only does she charge $7 per load, but last time she lost all my socks. That is a risk I cannot afford to take this time. I tried hand-washing my unmentionables, which have spent the last two days sun-drying in my living room. I'll let you know how they feel on my jock. My guess is "not good." 

We have been reading poems by Nazım Hikmet in class, and I really enjoy them. He is what Wikipedia calls "a romantic revolutionary." Personally, I like him because he is both easy to understand and a leftist Turk. He met and impressed Atatürk with a poem he wrote to inspire troops on the front lines of the Turkish War of Independence, which makes his deportation from Turkey a couple decades later REALLY ironic. He had his citizenship revoked, and only recently was it reinstated (posthumously). Actually, this past January. Here is a bit of his poem "Otobiyografi," first in Turkish and then I'll translate it:

bindim tirene uçağa otomobile
çoğunluk binemiyor
operaya gittim
çoğunluk gidemiyor adını bile duymamış operanın
çoğunluğun gittiği kimi yerlere de ben gitmedim 21'den beri
camiye kilisiye tapınağa havraya büyücüye
ama kahve falına baktırdığım oldu

I've boarded trains, planes, automobiles
The majority can't
I've gone to the opera
The majority can't go and have never even heard the opera's name
Since '21 I haven't gone to the places most people go:
to the mosque, the church, temple, synagogue, and folk healer
but I have had my fortune told by my coffee grounds


So anyway, I dig that bit. Just wanted to give you a taste. 

A cat climbed the fire escape three stories and came into our classroom today through the window. He walked up to the cassette player and was trying to figure out what the hell it was, and then curled up in someone's lap (the Turkish word for "jealous" is kıskanç), and then decided to just sleep in the back of the room like a homeless guy in a courtroom. I talk a lot about cats, probably too much, but goddamn it if they aren't a delightful feature of this fair city. The dogs I could do without. I had to yield the sidewalk last night to a dog literally the size of a wolf. It gave me the stink eye as it walked past, too, as if to say "damn right, bitch." But what can I do? He's got teeth and a med school textbook's worth of diseases.

Today I woke up with my alarm, because my alarm was my laptop blasting M83's "Unrecorded" using a crappy little widget I found. Bada boom. 

I realized today that Istanbul must be a nightmare for hipsters who travel here, because everyone between the ages of 18-30 wears tight jeans and ironic t-shirts. But the ironic part is, they aren't wearing them ironically. They are wearing them because ironic t-shirts here are actually high fashion, and are often sold for ridiculously high prices at the nicest stores. Everywhere you go, you see an old Batman logo, or a Daytona 500 1972 shirt, or some sort of pun. And as for the thrift store crowd, everybody else here still wears their work shirts and driving caps, so the shelves are probably empty. And just last night, I saw a girl in a headscarf wearing thick-rimmed glasses. Terrible haircuts are the norm, and hookah is everywhere, along with small, locally owned coffee places. And the city is far too hilly and dangerous for bicycle messengers, so they use scooters. Perhaps worst of all for the hipster, gentrification here is progressing at a snail's pace. Poor people still live in poor neighborhoods, and nobody here is looking to change that. 

I guess I'll leave it at that for the day. But before I go, I want to share some video I took at the Istanbul PRIDE Protest last Sunday with you. It is before the police gave them permission to march, and I share this bit with you because it was the most fascinating. They all stopped shouting (it was very loud) as soon as the call to prayer started, which I thought was very interesting. It seems here like the struggle is less between organized religion and the LGBTQ community, and more between the LGBTQ and state institutions, eg: there was no counter-protest, as far as I know. Also, the woman in the bottom right corner at the end is hot.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Daddy's Gonna Punch You in the Mouth!

Rocking out to the new Tortoise album (thanks, Dennis!) after finishing up my homework.

First, I need to correct something: the super duper religious neighborhood was not Fener as much as it was Çarşamba. Çarşamba means "Wednesday" in Turkish. I'm not sure why they chose that name. Maybe Wednesday nights they all take off their robes to streak and disco bowling. Okay, well at least that is settled.

Today was a serious business day. Got to class and helped Michael sort out the fax situation regarding his lost bank card. Don't worry, a Turk didn't find it and use it to buy $1000 worth of Facebook gifts for blonde American girls. We had to go to the language lab again today. Last time, if you remember/care/don't want to have to research to understand, we watched the first half of a shitty video about ebru, the art of paper marbling! Today they left us hanging, and said that we would watch the thrilling conclusion later this week. Why, I am not sure. I really hope he doesn't shit at his desk. In its place, we were "treated" with a long segment from a Turkish "sitcom." The show is ostensibly about a married couple that is staying together for the sake of their shitty little rat children. One of them is a Macaulay Caulkin wannabe, and the other is just a bitchy pre-teen. Neither deserved the emotionally distant, verbally abusive parents they have. 

As I was saying, the show has a somewhat serious pretense. But guess what? It's fucking dumb as hell. This clip introduced us to feng shui, or the art of removing furniture and replacing it with pillows, and then talking about it for ten minutes to an upset husband. And boy, was dad upset. The kids seemed to have it all figured out. They warned their mom. Hell, even the mom's parents knew to get out of there when he got back. Think about it too long, and it depresses you. This show is designed to be relatable. That means that most Turkish children know better than to do anything as rash as changing the interior design of an apartment without dad's permission, because, as the piece of shit son said, "Daddy's gonna punch you in the mouth when he sees this!" Fortunately, it didn't come to that. He shouted, paced back and forth, and repeated himself for about five minutes. I am pretty sure he threatened to kill his wife a couple of times. The audience was laughing most of the time. Also, you know how back in the day, like when Benny Hill was considered cutting edge, there would be the occasional "boom" of the tympani, like if someone fell down? Well in Turkish sitcoms, they still use it, in this case to convey surprise! It's the sound the kids on TV hear from their bedrooms before daddy slaps mom for talking to her friend about eastern philosophy. 

I usually tell people before they watch a Turkish comedy that Turkish comedies are generally not funny, and that the national sense of humor is very different from ours (like comparing "Reba" to "Arrested Development"). I stand by that characterization. Essentialist, yes, but accurate. I bet this sitcom's audience would LOVE the George Lopez Show. 

After lunch I headed to conversation hour at the fanciest of the cafeterias on campus, and managed to schwangle some free food from the girls in my group when they couldn't finish their meals. This plan is effective and cheap, and will be repeated. We were working on comparatives, and using animals as references. I argued that the chimpanzee was fiercest among all the animals presented, and then had to explain why. I gave up trying to describe the face and genital mauling horrors of a chimp attack on a human, and instead went with "they eat their own kind, and bang on trees while they hunt." Then someone suggested that mankind is the fiercest animal. Afterwards, we all fell silent as the stray cats meowed in agreement, and the besunspectacled man smoked a cigar calmly two tables over, staring straight ahead at nothing, perhaps pondering the very same question himself in a cloud of thick smoke. 

We had to watch a film today called "Üç Maymun," or "Three Monkeys." It featured vehicular manslaughter, painfully long shots of the same apartment, marital infidelity, murder, spousal sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts, a ghost, lots of rain, and the exploitation of the homeless. Oh, and it didn't feature a musical score. My concern is that Turkish movies are too upbeat for it to join the European Union.

Speaking of the European Union, I have started noticing new street signs all over the city, allegedly due to EU regulations. Streets that haven't had signs in probably centuries are finally getting them. Tourists rejoice! I was pleased to find out that the street that I have been calling Murder Hill is actually just called "Bebek Mountain." 

(More) Random thoughts (than usual): 

I realized today how great it is to live in America because you can wear nice things without them ending up smelling like diesel exhaust and cigarette smoke after walking outside for five minutes. At least in DC. 

We were joking today about how awesome it would be if Turkish women were as aggressive as Turkish men in coming on to foreigners. Then we watched that movie, and realized that there are too many crazies here for that to be a good idea. It seems like every guy I know who spent any time here during the normal school year ended up with a female Turkish stalker.

"Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" is one of the best children's movies I've ever seen. It is a blast and a half. Hilarious. I want to marry Amelia Earheart. 

We had sour cherry wine with our pasta dinner tonight in the girls' apartment. We went all out. It was a feast. Delicious stuff: spaghetti with fresh tomato sauce, beans, eggplant, fresh bread, and fresh goat cheese. 

I still REALLY want to see Transformers 2. Someone was saying it looked terrible and sexist, and our friend Hannah came back with this gem:

"Even though they have male voices, Autobots are gender neutral. They are robots."



Sunday, June 28, 2009

Short, Sweet, and Very Gay

Today was a fast day. It threatened to rain in my neighborhood all afternoon, but never did. Pussy.

 I woke up at 10:00 to the sound of my apartment mate (Mitbewöhner is a much better word) talking loudly on Skype. This continued for two hours, as I fell in and out of sleep. I finally left my room at 2:00pm and grabbed a bite to eat from the Simit Sarayı just down the road. On the way I saw a car drive by really fast with two toddlers standing up in the back seat. What kind of shitty parent lets their toddlers ride unsecured in fucking Istanbul? I don't even feel safe in a taxi when I have a seatbelt on. Jesus. I guess it is the same type of parent, all too common here, who takes their newborn to the park in a stroller and sits next to it and smokes a pack and a half of cigarettes. There isn't a parenting manual, I know. But seriously, when your cigarette packs here clearly state that smoking kills, and that secondhand smoke is dangerous to children, you'd think someone with enough wits to know how to drive would know how NOT TO BLOW SMOKE TOWARD THEIR FUCKING BABY.

Anyway, I am sorry. It just bugs me.

Immediately after scarfing down my late lunch, I met up with people who were going to the Istanbul PRIDE "Parade." I put it in quotes because that is how it was described to us by the girl organizing it. I don't think she knew, nor did any of us, that it would actually be a gay rights protest. I had my misgivings about getting so close to it, given the Turkish police's penchant for violently breaking up protests (see any May Day protest for details), and I assume (probably correctly) that homosexuals are among the least protected groups in the city/country. So I was nervous about being a couple dozen feet away from the line of riot policemen (and women!) and their massive water cannon truck. So after clapping along with their cheers and taking some pictures and video, a few of our group went with me to the Saray Muhallebecisi, the dessert place I love, and we sat at the window on the second level to watch...and share 5 different types of dessert, included tavuk göğsü, the pudding mixed with ultra-finely shredded chicken breast (its namesake). 

Eventually, the parade came past. It grew in size to probably around 700 people. Not exactly the Love Parade, but again, these people here are actively pursuing rights that sexual minorities have already in countries that host such huge events. There was, of course, the obligatory 6'5", 250 lb. pink wig-wearing transvestite leading the procession. But there was also a guy playing the darbuka, adding a bit of Turkish flair to the whole event. A huge rainbow flag was unfurled and took up much of the width of Istiklal Caddesi (the big shopping/bar street where the parade took place), and everyone had placards that said "We are gays, we are lesbians, we are transvestites, we are transexuals, we are bisexuals," on one side, and "We're here, get used to it," on the other.

The whole scene was pretty tense and surreal. I will never forget the moment that the protestors all fell silent during the call to prayer. They resumed chanting immediately after it finished. The riot police opted to allow the "parade" to proceed down the street, after having apparently had every intention of blocking them. So behind the parade came the ranks of riot cops and their massive water cannon truck. The parade surrounded the historical tram, which had stopped to let them pass. I have to say, the crowd reactions were a lot more positive than I had expected, but that might have just been due to the day I spent in the city's ultraconservative neighborhood yesterday. Regardless of what they thought, everyone was taking pictures. The vibe was overwhelmingly positive, but that didn't make me less nervous. Whenever you have a crowd that big and young, poorly trained riot cops with nothing better to do, the last place I want to be is between them and the protest. Especially in Turkey, where I believe just last week or so, those cops beat a kid into a coma for telling them to slow down in their car. I was scanning the crowd most of the time, looking for plainclothes cops and instigators, and looking at the balconies above for anything suspicious, remembering that the 1977 May Day massacre happened after a panic ensued from shots fired onto the crowd from above by right-wing militants involved in NATO's Gladio operation. Anyway, I feel like being paranoid in such a case is better than not being careful at all, and thinking you're at an American parade. We moved away after the parade stopped in the open space further down the road, and the police began to move toward them. From what I saw and heard later, nothing bad happened. It was a pretty successful protest, I'd say. They got access to the biggest pedestrian thoroughfare in the city, and managed to almost block it entirely. And they did so non-violently, and with lots of smiling and music. Bingo bango bongo. 

I feel a bit bad for admitting this, but one of the female riot cops was actually really hot. Also, one of the people in my program has swine flu. He isn't at my university, though. But still. SWINE FLU. And my Mitbewöhner is now having a Skype fight with his girlfriend back in Orange County. Yeah. The OC. They are really cussing up a storm at each other. I can hear it through my wall. Highlight so far: "No, fuck you. You have to stay and talk to me. You bitched me out for not being there on time last time. No. Fuck you."

Goodnight!

Part III of the Turkey Catchup: The Reckoning

Yesterday was an incredibly long, incredibly exhausting, but incredible day. It was our day trip to see the less traveled neighborhoods, mosques, and monuments of the Old City. Our group, which had about 20 people at its peak, was led by Yavuz, the same guy who led our Edirne trip the last time I was here. He is a PhD student in architecture, and knows everything there is to know about everything built in Istanbul. It is staggering, the amount of detail he was able to go into. 

We took a university-owned bus to the Süleymaniye Camii (mosque), passing the bridal district along the way. Store after store full of headscarf and tesettür-friendly wedding dresses, some of them so ornate they put Queen Amidala to shame. Boom. Star Wars reference. Deal with it. At the mosque, which was closed off to non-Muslims because it is being renovated inside, and only one corner is open for praying, we were treated to a 45 minute lecture on its significance under the hot, hot sun. The tomb of Süleyman was also closed, but we were again treated to a long discussion of its significance for having an ambulatory around the outside. Apparently, the entire complex was designed to sort of be a new Temple of Solomon. Süleyman is the Islamified version of the name. The dimensions of the complex almost exactly coincide with the Old Testament's listed dimensions for the Temple, and even the columns inside were build of material taken from temples of Alexander and of the Queen of Sheba, trying to link Süleyman physically with the line of ancient rulers in the same sort of pantheon as Solomon. 

Pretty neat.

We got to visit the inside of a madrassa on the grounds of Süleymaniye, too, which was probably a pretty rare opportunity, since they wouldn't let us take pictures. Inside, there were hundreds of angry teenagers armed to the teeth and bearded to their knees. Just kidding, there was actually a really cool display of ancient Arabic texts, many of which featured really old maps of the "world" as it was known at the time. Shiho, the Japanese woman in our group, noted with a hint of sadness that Japan did not appear on any of them. The largest item was a beautifully framed illuminated text, for lack of a better word (I forget the Arabic one). I jokingly suggested to on of the Ottoman History guys in our group that it was a description of a portrait, as depicting the human form was generally frowned upon in early Islamic art. He said "actually, it is a description of the Prophet, with the names of the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs placed around him." Bam. I can now tell the future, and read Arabic. The head of the madrassa was a friendly older man who carried around a pointer that made me nervous, but fortunately, he was not one for wild gesticulation. 

We checked out the mosque's old soup kitchen complex, which is now a restaurant, and while we were there, Murat, the PhD student, pointed out this Greek kid in the group that nobody knew. I had noticed him too; he was lanky, had a bit of acne, a baseball hat, and the strangest body language I'd seen in a long time. Murat suggested that he had a bit of a "Prince" thing going on, and then did a phenomenal impression of Prince, saying "Come here, bitch!" So that made me start laughing, and every time that kid did something for the rest of the day, Murat would look at me and I would start laughing again. The kid had the habit of leaning on, or should I say, molesting things that people wanted to take pictures of, so he will invariably appear in dozens of photos on the web at some point, and I will be sure to point him out to you then.

After a much-needed lunch break, during which "Dimples" sat with us at our table and chatted, we checked out one of the nicer monuments I have seen, design-wise, but certainly one of the lamest in terms of what it commemorates. It was called the "Flying Martyrs Memorial," and it basically commemorated three Ottoman airmen who crashed in 1913 on their way back from Cairo. Not in combat, not saving lives, just on their way back from a flight to Cairo designed to demonstrate the power of the Ottoman military. Lame. 

We also saw a column that was older than the Hagia Sophia, and it now is just sitting in the middle of a traffic roundabout. It used to be inside of a private home, but a fire destroyed the entire neighborhood (the houses were all made of wood), and so the column was left standing. It was called the Maiden Tower because it has two angles carved into the base. It is located right near a place called "Kiler Köfte," so come for the köfte, stay for the column. After that, we went to the national library, which was a small but cool space renovated recently and still used by researchers. The centerpiece of the collection, which was not open to the public, was the first example of written Turkic language. If I were to make an Ocean's Eleven type film in Turkey, that would be the item we would steal. No doubt. It would probably be a really short movie, though, because the place was not heavily guarded, unless you could four overweight, tea-sipping guards with shirts that don't fit as security, in which case, it was quite heavily guarded. Solution: the Don Cheadle puts sleeping pills into their teapot. That's the game, folks. For good measure, though, we would drill underneath it and explode an EMP device. And play poker.

We continued to walk deeper into the neighborhood of Fatih, which is notoriously conservative, and then entered Fener, which is apparently even more conservative. I was shocked by what I saw, because it was unlike anything in Istanbul I'd ever seen. In Fener, every woman we saw was wearing at least a tesettür, and almost a third of the women were completely covered, wearing a çarşaf, which covers the entire body but the eyes and nose, usually, but sometimes also is worn under the chin. All the men had stereotypically "Islamist" facial hair, meaning not only long, full beards (far longer than my own), but also the super long sideburns-to-under-the-chin beards. Their dress was also very, very different from the rest of the city I had seen. There were many wearing turbans and robes. Nobody was smiling. Most of the people on the street, in shops and cafes, were men. The women were never sitting and relaxing. I think the non-smiling might have been, in part, due to our presence there, since we are strangers in their neighborhood. 

In Fatih, we walked under old Roman aqueducts, and I saw two guys wearing kitchen gloves throwing sheep skins, fur still on them, into the back of a truck. It smelled horrible. Another job I am thankful not to have. Turns out, that was a butcher shop district. Shops full of sheep heads and carcasses. While there, we went to the Caricature Museum, which is housed in an old madrassa, and featured late Ottoman and early Turkish political cartoons, some of which were the originals of those I had seen in articles before for class. 

Yavuz took off really quickly toward Fener, I think irresponsibly so, because our group had a hard time keeping up with him, and as we got deeper and deeper into the already intimidating neighborhood (see above), the streets became increasingly narrow, winding, and hilly. It would have been all too easy to get lost, if those of us who could keep up with him hadn't sort of stretch ourselves out and kept a line of sight open to him and the rest of the group. He wanted us to make it to the Fethiye Museum before it closed. We got there late, and he spent 10 minutes bargaining with the guards to open it back up for 15 minutes. We had to pay to get in, but it was totally worth it. Inside the tiny old Byzantine church were some of the most beautiful and ornate mosaics I have ever seen. The main dome featured Jesus surrounded by the 12 Apostles, the side arches featured the Archbishops, scenes of Jesus' baptism, and the main space over the alter had Jesus blessing those below. It was all done in gold, and looked incredible. They had been there since the 1200s, and were remarkably preserved. It was the type of place that I would have never, ever found on my own. 

Afterwards, we made our way down the winding, narrow streets, past ancient and abandoned houses, and some still occupied by the neighborhood's poorer residents. There were groups of kids playing in the streets and stopping to stare at us. One little boy said "Hello, money money!" His dad emerged and quickly hushed him. We checked out a few more old Greek mansions that were now in disrepair and full of apartments before heading down a really shady flight of stairs past some shanties with satellite dishes on them, before ultimately taking public transit back to our dorms. It was a really, really valuable trip. I saw things and people I would have never seen on my own, or even known existed. I feel like I have a much better picture of the city now, who lives here, how they live, and what where they live used to be. Talk about an old city. Those kids were playing ball on streets that had been there for maybe a thousand years. The places we walked around were where the old Ottoman bureaucrats once lived, and where the city's once bustling 160,000-strong Greek population lived (out of 1,000,000), and now represents just 1,600 of the city's 12,000,000+ inhabitants. There is so much to see and do here, and we have only just scratched the surface.

Part II of the Turkey Catchup.

 Sorry for that relatively weak post last night. I was relatively weak with exhaustion. Now, where was I?

When we finally got back from our "konuşma saat gezisi," which instead of the scheduled two hours ended up lasting six, most of us from the group went to get dinner. I ran back to the dorm first to check email and make some Skype calls, and got back with them about half an hour later. They said they were going to "Urfa," so I assumed it was the Urfa place I had been to before. I got there, didn't see them, and instead of looking across the fucking street, I walked back up the small hill and then continued further away from campus for a few minutes. After doing the whole "well, clearly this isn't right" stop, and the "I'm cool, just checking my watch, which is telling me I am late for something and need to go back" 180-degree turn, I went back to the Urfa place and noticed that right across the street there was another Urfa place, and this one was serving my friends as I got there. Bravo!

We met our TA's roommate, who ate with us, and wow, is she cute. Prettiest eyes I've ever seen. She speaks fluent English, like everyone else in our program, but only speaks Turkish to us because they want us to actually learn. Her parents gave her a name which means "dimples" or "coquettish glance," both of which are incredibly accurate. How do they do it? We all had a discussion of what responsibilities come with an artist releasing projects to the general public after I said that Fatih Akin's movies did not do much to strengthen the white German public's positive views on Turks. The other TA in our group of course managed to tear my argument apart, and I totally agreed with her, but the best I could come up with in Turkish was my initial, weak argument. Yet another incentive to learn the language better! The best part was that "Dimples" sort of made a face and said "I hate talking about this." I guess she plays the role I do back home when things take a post-structuralist turn: the "this is fucking stupid" guy.

After dinner, a few of us from my program decided to smuggle some beers into campus and sit at the cool kids' hangout, called the Petek, or honeycomb. It's a group of benches arranged in hexagons overlooking the Bosphorus on the road to campus proper. Gorgeous, and usually packed with Turkish students drinking or making out. Sometimes they do BOTH. The biggest problem I have with the Petek, and it isn't so much a problem as it is a "someday something will go horribly wrong" type feeling, is that it is also a hangout for the street dogs, which as I have said before, are lion-sized. The group that hangs there has a clear leader, a dog so big a 10 year old could ride him like a horse, and they all walk around sniffing bags and people, looking for food. Then, when a delivery guy or anyone else goes by on a scooter, the all bolt out of the bushes and chase them. It is terrifying. The worst is when the garbage truck drove by, because that thing is like an ice cream truck for them. Even the leader, who usually laid there like the Godfather, took off, and was trying to maul the poor guys clinging to the back of the truck. Add that one to the list of jobs I am incredibly thankful I don't have.

We smoked some hookah one the rooftop of Bu Cafe just before it closed, which meant we weren't able to stay long. Lame. As we headed back to the dorm, Hakan was in his little office, and I went in to say hi. We ended up staying there and chatting for about 15 minutes. He would ask us about American politics in his machine gun Turkish, then as us what we thought of Turkey, then ask us if we knew so-and-so, and then just as we were getting confused and talking about something funny, he clapped his hands, slammed them on his desk, ran them through his receding hair, and said "Michael Jackson died." He then asked what his dance was called, and we said "Moonwalk," so then he naturally went on Youtube and showed us videos of people doing the Moonwalk. Afterwards, he said he has heard that Michael Jackson is going to be buried as a Muslim. I had never heard this, but apparently there are rumors everywhere that he converted recently. Anyone know? I had no answer for Hakan. It sounds exactly like something I would expect to see in a Turkish newspaper, though. Hakan is hilarious. Every time I pass by with American girls, he hollers "Kevin!" and comes out and immediately says, in English, "Hellohowareyou," followed by "Vat is your name?" Then he pats his chest and says "I am Hakan," and puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Kevin." That Friday night, as we said goodbye, he did the whole cheek-to-cheek deal with me. I say this again: either he will be my kid's godfather one day, or he will be wearing my skin as a coat. Either way, the process will be hilarious.